hot coffee girl

I was attacked this morning on the way to work.

It was quite brutal, actually. There I was, driving along, minding my own business. The sun was shining. And then…

This horrible, drooling, snarly green-eyed monster whacked me over the head and almost knocked me out. The sun was no longer shining, and all I could see was terrible shades of gray and green. (The eye-bursting type? Hmm. Be careful what you wish for.) He dragged me to the side of the road and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.

“Your parents went to the casino this weekend and won a thousand bucks and the last time you went, you didn’t win anything!” Whack!

“Those cute new shoes that you wanted last week just went on sale and your best friend bought the last pair! Ha!” Thud!

“See that impossibly thin girl across the street? She eats whatever she wants and never gains a pound because of her amazing metabolism. She doesn’t even work out, fatty.” Smash!

“You can’t even cast on properly and look at that gorgeous scarf she knit in an hour.” Whomp!

I lay there…beaten. It all seemed too much to take. Then he started making fun of me.

“Awww. You feel so bad for yourself don’t you?! It’s not enough to have food in your belly and a roof over your head? You have to want stupid shit? You know those shoes you thought were so great? Well, they hurt her feet and she had to charge them anyhow. You don’t have a credit card balance and no mortgage or car payments.”

I spat out some blood and tried to protest.

“Shuttup!” he shouted. “You want that girl’s metabolism, and yet you are healthy while there are plenty of people who are sick and just want to survive. You want a vacation, but have a job that sends you all over the country for free…”

“Seriously?! What the hell do you want?” he growled.

I picked myself off of the ground and wiped my mouth. I looked that malicious, awful, nasty monster straight in the face, and said, “Your eyes are so green. Are those contacts? Really, I wish my eyes were some interesting color and not so boring brown.”