is this thing on?

I am the world’s worst blogger. Or at least the most infrequent as of late.

I am not sure what’s wrong exactly. I have the best of intentions. I sit down, try to think of a story to tell you, and I draw a complete blank.

I know that it’s gotten bad when friends send me nasty e-mails and try to give me suggestions about what to write. No offense, buddy…but you’re not the most prolific writer either. Work on your own site and shut the hell up.

(He knows I am kidding, by the way. But go check out his blog anyhow and harass him for me. He's actually sometimes funny. Kthnxbai.)

Most of you are bloggers. Do you ever go through this? A complete and utter lack of ideas? What do you do to overcome it?

Help a sistah out here.

lazy bitch

This is my 200th post and I can't think of a frigging thing to write.

If you are tired of looking at stale shit (and my picture below), then come up with something better, whiners.

I will pick the most interesting topic and promise to get up very early tomorrow to write about it so you have something to read while you're pretending to work.

Go on...enable my lazy bitchedness. 

roast beef on rye with mayo

Perusing the stacks at Barnes and Noble the other day, I stumbled across a title that peaked my interest.

For a penny shy of 18 bucks, you can own "No One Cares What You Had For Lunch:100 Ideas for Your Blog" by Margaret Mason. Here's some little gems from the tome:

What's the best advice, best gift, best text message you've ever received? If you were king, what would you change first: about the world, about yourself? What's your best family tradition, personal ritual, superstition? The best places to visit if someone were coming to your town for just 24 hours?  What do you collect -- and why do you collect it? (Throw in a few pictures to really spice things up -- and why not use Flickr to make it easier?) What cool stuff can you assemble as a "text collage" in your blog's sidebar? What are you getting increasingly good at? (Document your journey to mastery.)

Seriously? This is your advice, Mags? If I tuned into a blog written by someone who was boring enough to need this book, I would poke out my eyes and chuck my laptop out the window.  I say keep your money and go fuck yourself Margaret. I got some suggestions for free. Here's my own version of how to make your blog more interesting to your readers.

• Swear a lot. People like it when you use words like "fucktard", "cornhole", and "donkey rammer". It shows that you are both colorful and unafraid of breaking society's norms. Go on, tell us about your interspecies love. No one wants to read something that doesn't have swear words in it. Which brings me to my second point...
• Don't hold back. Have a problem with public restrooms? Tell us. Watch way too much TV? We wanna know. Started a church in honor of yourself? Good times, my friend. Have a strange addiction to YouTube? Go on with your bad self.
• Write good content and include excellent graphics to illustrate your point. 
• Pretend you are Kerouac and write poetry. 
• Talk about Big Cocks. 
• Stump your readers with Movie Quotes or  just talk about your favorite movies.
• Be adorable, smokin' hot,  bitchy, or...if all else fails...gay.
• Speaking of fags, quit the habit and then smoke a bunch of them. 
• If all else fails, write a lame-ass post where you seem more interesting because of the people on your Blogroll. 

I hope you got your money's worth. 

Update on Sep 26, 2006 by hcg

It just occurred to me that this post is going to make for interesting indexing on the search engines. I already got one hit last week from someone searching for "Kerouac and Rastafarians".  Two this week from searchers of "Hot Ghetto Mess". (Seriously? There are two of you?) But I am looking forward to those searching for "Donkey Ramming and Big Cock" finding their way here.

Just to be sure I get ALL of the psychos...Pat Robertson. Pat Robertson. Pat Robertson.

(And to increase my traffic: Post Secret. Waiter Rant. Instapundit. Michelle Malkin. Dooced.)

Thanks for playing.