hot coffee girl

We’ve all been watching the Congressional Bill about outlawing e-mail spammers.
Okay, maybe not all of us, but I have been watching with some interest…
Cool…our government is doing something else to poke their noses in where they don’t belong. Spend more time reading e-mail from your constituents, Congressman, and less time worrying about how to prevent annoying and unwelcome ads in our e-mail.

But, I digress.

This is supposed to be about SPAM, and god knows I hate both Hormel’s version, and the one in my e-mail box that screams about penis enlargements (I already have big balls), lower interest rates on my mortgage (I rent), and ways to order Vicoden online (I get my drugs on the street corner like everyone else). Unwanted e-mail has reached an all-time high, and passing a bill to ban it will be less the equivalent of the “Do Not Call” list, and more like pissing in a really big bucket, as a lot of spam e-mail comes from other countries. Try as we like, fellow Americans, we have little jurisdiction over most foreign nations to date. (Unless…instead of invading a country to get their oil like we normally do, we march in to take over the monitoring of their e-mail systems. Now there is a noble war if I ever saw one, Mr. Bush.)

My bitch today, however, is not about the ways I can get better health insurance or a new car for pennies on the dollar, but about those so-called friends of mine that decide to glut my inbox with all manner of shit that I don’t have time to read. This message is for them…

QUIT SENDING ME STUPID SHIT.

You all have them…friends who FW FW FW FW FW FW some dumb thing that you read six months ago like a video of some guy getting kicked in the crotch by his son, or a picture of some sign that reads, “Penisville, Kentucky”. I especially love it when they send me something that includes my e-mail address along with 47 others right in the TO: line, so that the other 47 poor bastards that hate the e-mail almost as much a I do can feel sorry for me, too. Why don’t you just send my phone number and social along with it? I like hundreds of people that I never met having my personal e-mail address. Oh-I also love that you did not take the time to take out all the crap that goes along with the FW…the arrows, the 84 other e-mail addresses that came before me in the actual content of the message. I like that. On the offhanded chance that I didn’t already hit delete, I like scrolling through hundreds of lines to get what the actual message is. And a nice touch is when you leave the person’s work contact information in there. I like to know who is out there in this e-mail chain from hell. Six degrees of separation? Hell, from the looks of it, I know every fucking body in the world through e-mail. Spammers should be calling me for e-mail lists…I have enough contacts in just a few e-mails to keep your sales of penis pumps going for 72 years. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received over the last 6 months. (Say it with me, boys and girls, "Cut and Paste". See...three little words that can make all the difference.) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">>>.." ">>>" that begin each line, either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it. If it is SOOO important that I see it, take the time to clean it up.

My gripe is not limited to just “funny” e-mails, either…the so-called “inspirational” e-mails are sometimes even better. “A butterfly was sitting on the tree, and a little girl was…” and blah blah blah blah blah. Look, here’s a tip. I will not have a better day/year/month/life if I inflict this e-mail on 17 of my closest friends. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't"-then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley. I will kick your ass all the way back to DOS if you don’t watch it.

Oh…and I couldn’t in good faith leave out the stupid fucking “Pass this on” FYI e-mails about someone getting raped at a local mall, some free gift certificate, or the like. Here are some guidelines to follow in case you just got online yesterday…


*Big companies don't do business via chain letters and there are no computer programs that track how many times an e-mail is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class action checks.

*Proctor and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic.

*MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people.

*The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."

*There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell bent on believing the kidney theft ring stories, see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
and I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories." None have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

*If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?

*There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual anti-virus company. Symantec, McAfeee...check it out first, people.

*There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.

*Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

*The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. Fuck…that is really counterproductive.

*Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, but forwarding an e-mail won't help their cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

Another thing, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false...ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true. In fact, if you want to check out an excellent site for this go to http://www.snopes.com. It will help you identify all manner of urban legends, e-mail propagated ones included. It seems kind of funny to read about stupid shit that people actually believe, until you are one of them, by way of forwarding some stupid e-mail.

I used to get excited when I had a new e-mail message. I don’t anymore…because of all of you that are ruining the experience for me. 90% of what is in my e-mail box now is crap, and it depresses me. I can tolerate some ads via mailing lists from companies I have done business with, because at least their cause is somewhat noble…trying to get me to do more business with them or companies similar to them. They at least try to target my tastes based on past purchases. But what are you people sending me? Did you give any thought to what your passed on based on my taste, sense of humor, general personality? Nope. You just added me to some mass-distribution list of yours with little thought to whether or not I would be interested in seeing naked pictures of Tiger Woods’ girlfriend or a message about how god changed this man’s life through a stranger on an elevator. Fuck you…you know I am an atheist. Why send this to me? If you didn’t know that, then you don’t know me well enough to be sending me anything anyhow, so get the fuck out of my e-mail box.

Instead, take 5 extra seconds to drop me a personal note. Ask me how my day is going. Tell me how your kids made you laugh last night when they spit milk out of their nose at the dinner table. Send me an e-card to wish me good thoughts. I like those things. Make me happy to check my e-mail again. Or just take me off of your damn list. That would make me happy, too.