hot coffee girl

Wow.

It's a bit pink in here. Did I get all girly on you? 

Absofuckinglutely.

During the month of October, all the coolest blogs will be wearing pink. Matthew said it's okay. It's a great way to remind everyone about National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. We all have our stories. Help make some more of them have a happy ending. Don't have a rack? No problem. Even boys look good in pink.

Go on. Pink it up. And don't worry. The eye-bursting green will be back next month. 

Another Message from HCG:
What's this? A sexy, foreign guest poster? Mmmm. I like it. To make sure you get the whole experience, please read the following post from our favorite Non-Working Monkey with a British accent. And call your potato chips "crisps" and smoke some fags. She's a real tart, this one.

I Know What America Is Like

Now then, what’s all this? I hear only three of you have passports. I think it’s because your country is Big, and therefore you have no need to travel. In Europe , our countries are so small that we have to travel, otherwise we would eat each other.

I have been to America twice, but it was New York and the second time I was drunk. And from what I gather, New York isn’t really America, so I don’t think it counts.

However, like you, we have television in England. It’s awfully good. We have the BBC , which we all pay for with our ‘TV Licence Fee’ even if we don’t like it, ‘commercial’ terrestrial television stations paid for by Mars and Coca-Cola (thanks, America!), and a load of satellite stuff that I don’t understand.

I digress. The point is, I don’t think I need to travel to America , because I see it on the television the whole time.

So far, this is what I have gathered from watching America on the television.

Where people live

People in America live in:

1. Southfork Ranch
2. A trailer in a Trailer Park
3. A loft apartment in New York
4. A house in a private estate where people kill each other
5. A house on a long road, with all the houses set back from the ‘sidewalk’. These houses have front gardens and when the paperboy cycles past, he throws the paper on the front lawn and nobody minds
6. In a cowboy house on a ‘prairie’.

What ladies in America look like

1. Like a doll with blonde hair and no spots
2. Like a stick with a melon on the top
3. Like they fight with other ladies a lot
4. Like a man in a lumberjack shirt
5. Very fat indeed like the Moon.

What men in America look like

1. Like Mel Gibson, who is Australian
2. Like a lady, but with a beard (e.g. Leonardo Di Caprio)
3. Very fat indeed, like the Moon
4. Like a cowboy
5. With a big truck thing and a lumberjack shirt
6. On a horse that is bucking a lot.

What children in America are like

Children in America are like grown-up people, but small. They are not very quiet. They talk a lot and they are impertinent. That does not include children like the ones in ET who have aliens as friends, or the other group of children, who apparently see dead people. When their parents go away they are very naughty and have parties with robbers.

What teenagers in America are like

They go to ‘proms’ and ‘High School’ and ‘College’. When they have a prom, the girl wears a dress and the boy comes round with a flower for her. Her father is cross with the boy, even though he doesn’t know him. They go to universities with ivy on the front and have lockers in their schools. They have sex when they are young and then their parents find out and they get in trouble. I think it must be hard to be a teenager in America. They look like grown-ups and drive cars.

What politicians in America are like

I think the one in charge now is a cretin. When I hear him on the radio, I don’t understand what he’s talking about. One of them can’t spell ‘potato’. The one who was in charge before was alright but he got in trouble with a lady with a wig on.

What crime is like in America

There is a lot of murder. Men who are doctors or wear brown coats, and men in spinning black leather chairs catch the murderers. Sometimes Bruce Willis gets involved which is odd. Everyone has a gun, even small children, and they use them the whole time randomly and without thought.

What books are like in America

They are mainly by Bill Bryson, Garrison Keilor, F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway. If they are good, we pretend they are English. If they are by Dan Brown, they are definitely American.

What food is like in America

1. Enormous hamburgers the size of a horse
2. Salad
3. Zucchini
4. Cilantro
5. Baysul

What English is like in America

It is sort of like our English but different.

What drinks are like in America

1. Coca-Cola in a bottle with a straw in it
2. Coffee in a cardboard bucket that has no coffee in it
3. Manhattan cocktails
4. Beer in a bottle
5. In a big glass with ice-cream on top. I think you call that ‘soda’. Our soda is fizzy water. I think yours is better.

What dogs are like in America

Like humans, with very expressive faces.

What sex is like in America

Always very good. The people always look pretty and don’t sweat.

What religion is like in America

Mainly done by a man called Billy who makes people walk when they couldn’t before. But some is also done by a man called Ron who is a spaceman, and some of it is done by people from the Olden Days who put up barns with the help of Harrison Ford, which we think is very generous of him.

I must say, America sounds awfully good fun. Is it nice? And is Canada the same but with beavers?

A message from HCG:
I told you I was going to try to raise the bar 'round here by giving my readers a break from donkey ramming and cornholes. No, I haven't changed my ways...I just got someone else to write my post for me. Yeah, I'm that lazy.

It's Thursday...

And here I am, having been invited into someone else's home and wondering how to behave. But I'm a when-in-Rome kind of guy, and, as it happens, it's Thursday. A smile dawns upon my face. I know exactly what to do here.

Here you have it: FOAD: the literature version, brought to you by Part-Time Buddha.

• Fuck you Robert Frost for having taught generations of school children that there are only two roads to take, and neglecting them the option of forging their own.
• Fuck off Hamlet. To be, or not to be? Fuck you for never understanding what it's like not to want the choice.
• Scarlet O'Hare - you really need to FOAD. Strong women don't 'think about it tomorrow.' They deal with it right fucking now, or they most certainly do not deal with it for one second longer than absolutely necessary. Go to hell for weakening the stronger sex.
• And Romeo? Fuck you. You think dying for someone is the answer? You should have tried living for Juliet, even without her.
• Milan Kundera - You told us that metaphors are not to be trifled with. You told us that a single metaphor can give birth to love. But you never told us of the beauty and power of ordinary, everyday language.
  
• When Shylock demanded your pound of flesh, Antonio, it wasn't enough to simply expose your torso to his knife. You should have taken that knife and carved out your own flesh if you loved Bassanio that much (even if you really were 'just good friends').
  
• If you were a real poet, Dante, you'd understand that Beatrice should never have had to lead you through paradise. You should have brought her there yourself.

Well, I feel better. PTB out.

I have reached Search Engine Nirvana.

If you are in Google, and you execute a search for, "a turtle in molassas" (note the misspelling), you will want to come here first. Check it out for yourself. Approximately 200,000 entries...and I am #1. 

This has prompted me to update my resume. I feel the offers pouring in now.

(Maybe instead I should consider having some guest writers for a few days. So I can think about what I've done. Or just raise the bar around here a bit.) 

Perusing the stacks at Barnes and Noble the other day, I stumbled across a title that peaked my interest.

For a penny shy of 18 bucks, you can own "No One Cares What You Had For Lunch:100 Ideas for Your Blog" by Margaret Mason. Here's some little gems from the tome:

What's the best advice, best gift, best text message you've ever received? If you were king, what would you change first: about the world, about yourself? What's your best family tradition, personal ritual, superstition? The best places to visit if someone were coming to your town for just 24 hours?  What do you collect -- and why do you collect it? (Throw in a few pictures to really spice things up -- and why not use Flickr to make it easier?) What cool stuff can you assemble as a "text collage" in your blog's sidebar? What are you getting increasingly good at? (Document your journey to mastery.)

Seriously? This is your advice, Mags? If I tuned into a blog written by someone who was boring enough to need this book, I would poke out my eyes and chuck my laptop out the window.  I say keep your money and go fuck yourself Margaret. I got some suggestions for free. Here's my own version of how to make your blog more interesting to your readers.

• Swear a lot. People like it when you use words like "fucktard", "cornhole", and "donkey rammer". It shows that you are both colorful and unafraid of breaking society's norms. Go on, tell us about your interspecies love. No one wants to read something that doesn't have swear words in it. Which brings me to my second point...
• Don't hold back. Have a problem with public restrooms? Tell us. Watch way too much TV? We wanna know. Started a church in honor of yourself? Good times, my friend. Have a strange addiction to YouTube? Go on with your bad self.
• Write good content and include excellent graphics to illustrate your point. 
• Pretend you are Kerouac and write poetry. 
• Talk about Big Cocks. 
• Stump your readers with Movie Quotes or  just talk about your favorite movies.
• Be adorable, smokin' hot,  bitchy, or...if all else fails...gay.
• Speaking of fags, quit the habit and then smoke a bunch of them. 
• If all else fails, write a lame-ass post where you seem more interesting because of the people on your Blogroll. 

I hope you got your money's worth.